My Beliefs

I started this blog as a journal... a diary kinda. I'm writing to myself. But I seem to have picked up readers. (hi!)

It's kinda nice and makes me feel great on one hand and then on the other I feel freaked out. There are People reading my words. (Have you ever seen that Bugs Bunny episode where the big orange monster looks out into the 'audience' and freaks out that there are PEOPLE out there and then he runs away?)

I am a bit of a perfectionist and I love to write but I do not always have the time with working full time, taking care of kids and house and animals and my Priestess duties. Having instant access to write here is both good and bad. Good because I do not have to wait all day to write something, bad because I might say something stupid and ridiculous and not realize until I go to edit later.

I hope you will forgive me for that.

I like asking questions. And then looking up interesting topics and asking some more questions.
In some of my previous postings I may not have been clear on what exactly my own beliefs are and only talked about things I find fascinating. I am like my namesake, Crow, spotting some tinsel in the wind. (ooooh shiny...)

So I thought I take a minute (or days, how would you know?) to talk about what I do believe in and what my spirituality is really like.

I have never believed in 'God' in the 'traditional' sense. This is because the traditional definition was wrong for me. God: all powerful, all knowing external male entity that dictated what you can and can't do.

I grew up with an Atheist Dad and a non-traditional Catholic Mom. My parents agreed not to have me baptised so that I could make my own decisions regarding religion. That said, as soon as my parent's left me in the care of my grandmother, she had me baptised Catholic.  She meant well, saving my mortal soul and all.

Once I was old enough to understand religion, sometime in middle school I would assume, I started asking too many questions. It may have started in history class, who knows now? But at that point I knew that I was not a Christian. I managed to get through Genesis in the Bible once. I felt like everything in it was wrong. Being a girl, I was just as good as any boy. Flesh and blood. A Mind. Why would my different parts make me less than a boy? Why won't my dad teach me to fix a car? Why are animals treated as less than man?  Why in the world would we want to rule the natural world instead of protect it?

I didn't know. So I became an atheist. (I figured I had to be either on the Judeo-Christian bandwagon or an Atheist) So while I identified with Atheism, I also kept my mom's words to heart. She always said that one did not have to go inside a church to find God. God was in everything, all around us. 

At this time I had some interesting dreams. I always have interesting dreams. So did mom. We didn't really talk about the meanings of these dreams. It was like an unspoken secret. Mom always just knew things. I didn't think too much about it until much later in life.

I remember one dream though. It (and some subsequent related ones) helped me get through a difficult time in my life. I had no friends in middle school because I was a little different. I was made fun of, threatened with getting beaten up on a daily basis. I had one punk punch me in the face because I glanced at him as I walked down the hall. I had a group of girls pretend to send me notes from a boy who supposedly liked me just to laugh at me.

I felt very alone. Like I was the only one in the world like me. That I was flawed somehow. An outcast. A lot of kids are faced with this and there are really 2 paths to choose from. Path 1: Give in and change oneself to fit in. Path 2: Stay true to who you are. I've never been one to conform. It was just not my way. (I'm a pretty stubborn, tough little cookie who was not afraid to stand up for myself.)

So I decided that I had to embrace being different. Even if that meant being alone.

Thankfully it did not last forever.  I did find friends who didn't quite fit in either.  It also helped enrolling in Martial Arts. I was pretty great at it and the boost to my self-esteem sure didn't hurt.

Anyway, around this time I had a dream one night that was so vivid I wasn't quite sure I was dreaming. Have you ever had one of those? I never remembered the first  time I dreamt of this particular spirit, but I did remember getting up in the middle of the night to go outside to check to make sure there wasn't anyone calling my name from the driveway. I'm sure I laughed at myself for being crazy but I could never shake the feeling that there was really someone there. (This is where my name Shael comes from. It's the name I was called in my dream).

Later on in high school when I learned about the Native American Spirit Crow, I identified my dream spirit as Crow. Why? It felt right. And somehow the archetype of the trickster helped me get my footing in life and define my moral compass. You'll have to go back and read about the Trickster Archetype in my earlier posts.

Typing this out for the world to see is a little daunting. I promise I am quite sane. I have always both believed and disbelieved in spiritual matters. 99.9% of the time I do not believe spirits or gods exist except as parts of our own souls. Archetypes or divinities are ways we bring up specific bits of our souls that we want to focus on.

A simplistic example would be if I want to approach a problem with peace and serenity, I could focus on the Goddess Quan Yin. (Chinese Goddess of peace and kindness and unconditional love).

For me, Crow symbolized a Creator spirit, one who helped me to laugh at myself and all those stupid human things that we do that we put SO much seriousness into when in the grand scheme of things, really aren't that serious. I need this reminder more often than I care to admit.

For those that know me, I think I pretty much always have a smile on my face despite all the CraZy and hectic things going on simultaneously in my life. I do not see the harm in honoring a spirit that helps me cope and keeps me laughing.

Some might wonder why I call myself a pagan since I sound so much like an atheist. Well, that's a good question. I approach things with a scientific mind but understand that our soul/spirit has not (yet) been measured by science. I think I'm what you call a Naturalistic Pagan. I believe in Divinity and therefore am not an atheist. Just because MY gods/goddesses live inside me is no reason to kick me out from the pagan umbrella. (For any Christian readers, don't worry, I found Jesus in here too. He's shaking hands with Osirus and Baldur.)


So this brings us to present day.

I write and assist with rituals for the MoonPath Chapter of CUUPS (Covenant of Unitarian Universalist Pagans) and the Sisterhood of the Temple of Ahel Adom. I celebrate the quarters of the year, especially my 2 favorites: Samhain and Beltain. I keep 3 altars: a Goddess Altar (Ishtar and Lillith), a 'working' altar currently dedicated to Hades and Persephone and another one dedicated to a few Viking Gods (Hail Odin)

(I'll do a quicky blog post about my altars later. With pictures. Promise.)

I honor the spirits of my family and ancestors that have gone before me. And most importantly, I help support my community and take care of my family. All my family, literal and spiritual.

I have a wonderful full house I share with my hubby, 2.5 kids, 3 dogs, 4 cats, a gerbil, 6 goats and 26 chickens (not all IN the house I swear!)  I also work full time putting my math skills and people skills into use daily. I also sew things and write stories and did I mention my vegetable garden? lol. yeah. I do keep busy.

In my 'spare' time (haha yeah whatever that is) I also research Hun history and am currently reading the Elder Eddas and the The Looking Glass Wars. Yes. At the same time. Don't ask.

Welp, I think that's it for now. Feel free to comment below. (respectfully)
If there are topics you would like to see me cover, let me know.
Questions are welcome too.

May you have an interesting day.